


Delirium

by prodchoi



Category: 3racha - Fandom, Stray Kids, skz - Fandom
Genre: Body Horror, Chan just needs a hug, Fun demon times, Horror AU, Multi, Other, Slow To Update, Therapy, There is metion of mental illnesses and self harm, chan is a drug dealer, changbin is why we cant have nice things, feedback is appreciated, ill add TWs to triggering chapters, jisung has a redbull addiction, kind of 3racha drug cartel au but its a work in progresss, making fun of short people (changbin), skz - Freeform, some nsfw, stray kids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 19:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20605985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prodchoi/pseuds/prodchoi
Summary: I-I have a hard time deciphering what’s real, and what isn’t”The silver haired man shuffled in place, hands picking at the threads of the leather arm chair. Honey brown pupils looking side to side every once in awhile, as if he feels watched.“I feel like I have.. hands. hands all over me”The elder man sitting at the desk across from him shifts in his seat, leaning forward,“What do the hands do to you, Chan?”the younger man averted his eyes to the floor and let out a shaky breath“They hurt me”He gently grasped his throat, hot tears brimming his lashes“Help me”





	1. Fear is the relinquishment of logic

Fear is the relinquishment of logic,the willing relinquishing of reasonable patterns. We yield to it or we fight it.But we cannot meet it halfway

-  
  
**_“I-I have a hard time deciphering what’s real, and what isn’t”_****_  
_**The young silver haired man shuffled in place, hands picking at the threads of the leather arm chair. Honey brown eyes looking side to side every once in awhile, as if he feels watched.  
**_“I feel like I have.. hands. hands all over me”_**  
The elder man sitting at the desk across from him shifts in his seat, leaning forward,  
_“What do the hands do to you, Chan?”_

the younger man averted his eyes to the floor and let out a shaky breath   
**_“They hurt me”_****_  
_**He gently grasped his throat, hot tears brimming his lashes  
**_“Help me_**”  
////  
  
[1:46 am]  
December 20th  
Seoul, South Korea  
  
A buzzing dim street lamp, an empty road, a few stray drunk 20-somethings stumbling their way back to their dorms, chuckling and clinging to their friends, and the rare stray cat is all that was around. A young silver haired man walks, hands tucked into his hoodie pocket, attempting to fight back the cold.   
**_“I don’t get paid enough to run calls in this weather”_**   
he spat, even if just to himself.  
He skipped over the legs of a passed out man on the sidewalk, _‘poor sot’ll probably be missing tomorrow morning’_.  
There’s been a lot of disappearances lately, three or four a month. No ones doing anything about it either.   
He kept a fast pace for a majority of the walk, _‘trying to outrun the cold’_ he thought, making himself huff out a chuckle into the cold winter air.  
Seeing the dim fluorescents bleeding onto the sidewalk through large square windowpanes, he briskly walks in the door to the small 24 hour corner market, the loud chime goes off making him flinch. he walked in expecting a bit of warmth only to be hit with barely above chilly air  
_‘is this place run by the dead or something? christ’_  
Reaching his hand up to his cheek, he pats it lightly in a soothing manner to get rid of the sting of the cold. He scans the isles absent minded, nothing but the buzzing from the coolers filling his ears, not looking for anything in particular _‘I would kill for a honey bun right about now’_ he put his snackish thoughts away and went for behind the counter, no one in sight.   
_‘Suspicious’_   
He snickered, amused that the shop keeper was brave enough to leave the register this long.  
He presses the button on the front of the small metal drawer, holding so it slides out slowly without much noise only a small ding.  
He scoops out just around $120, not big enough of a sum to make too much impact on the owner, he’s about to lose enough anyways.   
He shuffles his loot into his pants pocket and advances to the back of the store, to do what he was actually here for.  
The hit put out on the owners son.  
//  
“_He’s behind on payments, Chan. I can’t wait on him any longer. All he is is a fucking bum”_  


**_“Yes sir”_****_  
_**//  
He shakes off his thoughts  
_‘Pay attention, idiot-‘_  
a loud bang interrupts him, like something hitting the wall.  
He stops in his tracks at the noise coming from behind the door  
_Employees only_  
He quietly stepped forward, careful to not make any noise.  
He doesn’t need to scare away his target, regardless of whatever he may be doing in there.  
A hard and loud crunching makes him jump back  
**_“what the fuck”_** he says, barely a whisper  
_There must be a dog back there or something? __  
__What could it be eating?__  
__A person?__  
_he makes himself chuckle at his thoughts.  
The noise ceases  
_‘Grow some balls chan, you can stand a dog bite’_  
He turns the door knob, pushing the door open slowly. He cringes at the drawn out squeak.  
He looks around at first, a dim yellowish light filtering the small stock room.  
_‘Nothing? Was it my imagination?’_  
He looks to the floor, scanning it for a knocked over shelf or something that could’ve made the noise.  
Everything was clean, well, to the best of the small and dusty rooms ability.  
**_“I must be going crazy”_****_  
_**He says to no one in particular  
**_‘This place is empty, he’s supposed to be here’_****_  
_**He shakes his head at the dead lead on the owners son, and moves to walk out of the small business.  
**He’s here, Christopher**.  
The boy nearly jumps out of his skin at the voice, coming from what felt like right beside him  
He turns quickly on his heel, looking for the source.  
Nothing.  
_‘Some hitman I am, spooked by my own imagination’__  
_He attempts to shake off the feeling of prying eyes.  
He leaves the business, the thought of it being so empty still lingering in his mind.  
He looks back through the windows before leaving the area  
**“What?”**  
His stomach sunk to the ground   
The store had three people in there, two in the isles and a teenage girl behind the counter. He was in there just seconds ago, how could this be happening?   
_This isn’t right?__  
__I was just in there w-when did this.._   
he felt angry and confused   
**_“What’s wrong with me?”_**  
He pats his pocket to check for the money he acquired, nothing but his phone resides in the worn denim.   
The buzzing from his back pocket brings him back to reality for a moment, answering the vibrating device   
**_“Hello?”_**  
_Channie! I’ve been calling you for two hours, where are you?__  
_**_“I’ve, ah, I’ve been in the studio, sorry baby”_****_  
_**_It’s okay! I haven’t heard from you since yesterday though, is everything alright?__  
_**_“What do you mean? I called you a few hours ago”_**  
_No.. we haven’t talked since after dinner yesterday night. Chan, are you sure everything is okay?_   
**_“I-I.. I think so, what time is it now?”_****_  
_**_It’s a little passed 6pm? Where are you? _  
His hands were trembling, he finally let himself adjust to his surroundings.  
He wasn’t in front of the store anymore, was standing in the yard of a house in a small suburb, the sky just after sunset.  
**_“Baby, I-I don’t know where I am. I don’t know I-I-“_****_  
_**He felt tears falling onto his cheeks, eyes blurry and his chest was tight.  
_Christopher, cut your phone gps on I’m coming to get you.__  
_**_“P-please hurry”_****_  
_**He hung up shortly after saying goodbye.  
using his sleeves to wipe his face. he tried to steady his breathing, taking it upon himself to walk to the corner of the street to wait on his s/o.   
_What’s happening to me?__  
__Was everything that happened fake?__  
_He looked at the map on his phone, over 30 minutes away from where he thought he was. He can’t shake the feelings off. Panic. Fear.  
_Why do I feel like someone is watching me?__  
__Stop stop stop please__  
_**Christopher Christopher Christopher Christopher Christopher, We’re here Christopher. Can you hear us? We can hear you. Do you want to feel us?**  
He suddenly felt his neck being constricted, like a hand wrapping around it and squeezing.  
He broke down to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest.  
**_“Please stop”_**  
He choked out  
**_“please”_****_  
_**_“Channie? Channie baby look at me”__  
__“Christopher look at me!”__  
_He looked up gasping, the grasp had left his neck, he wheezed in air in hard gasps.  
He grabbed the familiar person in front of him, bringing them down into his chest  
**_“Thank god, oh thank god i-“_****_  
_**He sobbed into their shoulder, not able to hold back his flooding relief.  
**_“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know what happened I was just running a call a-and-“_****_  
_**_“Chan, breathe. It’s okay”_  
He looked up, expecting to meet the familiar coloured eyes he loves, seeking anything recognizable for comfort.  
Only to see a warped face   
and void, glossed eyes.


	2. Is it that obvious?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BODY HORROR TW, MENTIONS OF BLOOD
> 
> His lungs feel tight, he wants to scream but nothing comes out.
> 
> 'Hello again, Channie.'
> 
> The voice speaks, coming from every direction, distorted honey dripped vocals mesh together,
> 
> 'Wait for us'
> 
> He moves to run but he’s paralyzed, he chokes out a plea through his 
> 
> “No no no, not again. please not again”

** _A ghost can be a lot of things. _ ** **** _  
_ ** _A memory, a daydream, a secret. _ ** **** _  
_ ** _Grief, anger, guilt. _ ** ** _  
_ ** **** _But, in my experience, most times they're just what we want to see._

** _[7:42pm]_ **

** _December 20th_ **

** _Seoul, South Korea _ **

Chan fell back in a yell

** _“What are you?! What do you want?!”_ **

He felt his heart race a hundred miles an hour, beating against every part of his skin at the terrifying.. _ thing _. In front of him. 

It inched closer, a sickening creak coming from its twisted limbs

**Oh chan, don’t you want to be with us?**

The disembodied voice reverberated against his ears, harsh and distorted. Coming from everywhere and nowhere at once.

**Don’t you love ** ** _us? _ ** **We’re the ones you ** ** _love._ **

He shook his head, jaw clenched and body frozen

** _“Please go away, I don’t know what this is.. please stop. Please!”_ **

He shut his eyes, praying that when he opened them it would just be a bad dream. He’d be back home in bed

_ ‘It's all a bad dream, wake up chan. Wake up wake up wake up, please for the love of god, WAKE UP’ _

A sudden eerie, empty silence took over him.

He opened his eyes slowly, the tears he hadn’t noticed falling making his vision blurry.

_ Nothing _

He looked around 

_ Absolutely nothing _

_ Just the houses _

_ A group of kids screaming and laughing as they chased each other. _

He took notice of the middle aged man standing in his front yard, Over watering his plants with an open mouth “what the fuck” look directed towards him, soon he realized his current state in the middle of the sidewalk. 

Doubled over in the fetal position, assuming he looked like he’d seen a ghost.

_ ‘What’s happening to me?’ _

His head whipping left to right looking for the.. entity. Or where it could’ve gone.

_ ‘I’m fucking losing it, aren’t I?’ _

He gathered himself with shaky hands and unsteady breaths, opting to grab his phone to make a quick call to the person on their way to him.

It rang twice before they picked up

_ Channie? Are you okay? I’m just a minute away. _

_ “ _ ** _I’m.. I’m okay.”_ **

A breathy chuckle from the other end of the line eases his nerves a little

_ You don’t sound okay, though. you sound scared _

_ “ _ ** _Is It that obvious” _ **he sighed, a serious look washing over his features 

** _“I am scared”_ **

His voice was low and brittle.

** _“I’m so.. so scared”_ **

He can’t bring himself to cry, his tired body couldn’t handle anymore sobs.

_ I see you, I’m pulling up now _

The phone hung up suddenly, the sounds of tires crunching gravel approach.

He straightens his back, attempting to look less beaten down as the person approaches him. Eyes weary at the familiar face, he puts his best smile he could pull in his current state.

Warm hands rest on his cheeks, one pushing his curls out of his tired eyes. Golden brown orbs still radiant even with the heavy black under them.

_ “What happened?” _

A simple statement has his eyes burning all over again

** _“I couldn’t explain even if I wanted to”_ **

He leans into their palm, seeking any comfort after what’s happened. 

_ “You can tell me anything, you know that” _

** _“I know.. thank you for coming”_ **

A gentle smile from them eases his anxiety.

_ “Let’s get you home. You look like shit y’know” _

His chest vibrates with laughter 

** _“Oh WOW Thanks. I personally think I look hot!”_ **

** _//_ **

** _[9:02pm]_ **

** _December 20th_ **

** _Seoul, South Korea_ **

After what felt like a lifetime, though only an hour, they arrived back to the small cozy apartment in the buzzing nightlife of Seoul. 

Chan set his jacket on the short table and collapsed onto the couch, he felt like melting into the fabric of the old furnishing. 

** _“I’ve never missed this prehistoric piece of shit more in my life” _ **he sighed, face tucked into a pillow he was hugging to his chest.

_ “Go take a shower, Chan. It’ll make you feel better” _

He lets out a long, dramatic groan

** _“Can’t I just sleep?” _ ** he says, dragging out the _ “e” _ ** _ I’ll take one in the morning”_ **

The chuckling person standing next to him takes the pillow from his arms, only to smack him with it moments later

_ “Go you stinky brute!” _

He heaved himself off the comfortable cushions and drudged to the bathroom, opening the door and then looking back with a rotten look on his face. He mumbled under his breath,

“** _I just wanted to sleep”_ **

A flying couch cushion hit him square in the face 

_ “I heard that, you brat!” _

_ // _

**[3:15am]**

Chan was laying on his side, facing the softly snoring lump in the blankets next to him. He still had the events from today running through his mind. 

He mindlessly traces circles into their shoulder, a worried frown pestering his lips

** _“I don’t understand” _ **he whispered to himself.

Movement from the opposite side of the bed removes him from his thoughts, the sleepy individual rolls on their side to meet his fatigued eyes,

_ “Have you slept any?” _Their voice small and thick with sleep,

** _“No” _ ** he breathes ** _“go back to sleep, I’ll fall asleep soon enough” _ **he sits up, his arm supporting him as leans to kiss their forehead

_ “I can stay up with you” _they grumble through a yawn.

He’s laughs at their barely open eyes,

** _“A bold offer from someone who’s barely conscious”_ **

A sleepy smirk on their face as they wrap their arms around his sides, head resting just under his chin, planting a sleepy kiss to his bare chest

_ “Hush and go to sleep, idiot” _

He chuckles, the sound vibrating against their cheek. Feigning a hurt voice,

** _“You’re so mean to me”_ **

** _//_ **

** _[2:32pm]_ **

** _December 23rd_ **

** _Seoul Subway Station._ **

Nothing has happened since Friday’s episode, Chan had blamed it all on exhaustion.

_ ‘I’ve been working too much, that’s all’ _

His foot tapping on the concrete floor of the station waiting for the car to pull up, headphones blasting The Weeknd, even though he isn’t listening. The familiar ringtone of his friend ringing in his ears replacing ‘_ high for this’ _ with _ ‘holla back girl’. _ the contact name _ ‘tiny idiot’ _ flashing on his screen, along with a less than flattering candid photo of his smaller counterpart.

he huffed before hitting answer

** _“Hi bin”_ **

_ Hey! Are you coming to the studio today? We almost have everything set up for the release. _

** _“Ah, probably not. I’m still not feeling well”_ **

_ Legends don’t rest, chanstopher. _

** _“Tell that to the grouchy goblin that lives with me. They said I need to take a few days off.. From everything”_ **

_ They’ll get over you coming to the studio for just a little bit, also, have you heard from the boss? I hear your run didn’t go through to well.. What happened bro? _

Changbins worry leaking through the phone.

** _“No, but I’ll explain in a few days, bin. Don’t worry”_ **

Chan rubs his face with a free hand, his fingers running through his silvery curls. Exasperated.

_ If you need anything just let me, or at least Jisung know. Okay? _

** _“Alright alright, I gotta go”_ **

_ See you. _

Chan stands in the close to empty station still

_ ‘Why is it taking so damn long’ _

He looks at the time displayed on the route board

‘_ 5 minutes late?’ _

He sighed, opting to lean against the concrete pillar to wait.

He looks around the building, noticing he’s alone

** _“It’s Sunday, why is no one here?”_ **

He notices the quiet washing over the large cement expanse. Not even the shrill noise of the subway. He wonders if there’s construction he doesn’t know about.

_ Why would they work on it this close to the holidays? _

He strides from his spot against the cement pillar to peek down the tunnel,

** _“Nothing?” _ **his shoulders fall slump, a slightly defeated pout on his face.

He gives up, walking to the stairs to exit

A sudden shriek coming from the tunnel makes him jump, though there’s no light from the subway car. He stands on the first step waiting to see if the car pulls through.

A minute later

_ Nothing _

He continues his way up the steps. he makes it halfway before he stops, feeling eyes burning into the back of his head. He wished he never turned around.

_ Bodies _

_ Bodies everywhere _

_ On the rail _

_ The floor _

_ The steps _

_ So much blood _

** _Panic_ **

His lungs feel tight, he wants to scream but nothing comes out.

**Hello again, Channie.**

The voice speaks, coming from every direction, distorted honey dripped vocals mesh together,

** _Wait for us_ **

He moves to run but he’s paralyzed, he chokes out a plea through his 

** _“No no no, not again. please not again”_ **

The wet squelching filling his ears as the bodies crunch together, a putrid smell of rot and iron wafts through the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? complaints?


	3. Don't Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you? Why won’t you leave me? Why me? Of all people?”  
He isn’t scared at this point, just in awe that all the times he’s ran from it, it hasn’t hurt him yet.  
The creatures breathing fluctuates as heavy chokes of air and the sound of fluid filled lungs depressing.  
'We go by many names'

** _“Please.. please stop”_ **

The shrieks and groaning from the.. _ entity. _In front of him drowns his thoughts.

His mind running in a million different directions

_ Oh God This isn’t real _

_ This isn’t real _

_ This isn’t real _

_ Wake up chan _

_ Wake up _

_ Please _

_ I thought this was over _

** _“YOU CAN'T LEAVE US AGAIN CHRISTOPHER”_ **

He flinches at the booming voice, falling backwards onto the steps, covering his ears.

It lurches forward, a sickening crackling-pop emits from it with each movement.

_ Again? W-what is it talking about? _

_ Someone- Please anyone help me _

///

** _[4:12pm]_ **

** _October 8th_ **

** _2013_ **

** _Sydney, Australia _ **

A 16 year old boy sitting in the waiting room of a therapist office, his earphones playing some form of rap music. His mother shuffling through the new patient forms beside him.

Dark black curls covering his head, a distant look in his golden brown eyes. 

A short blonde lady from behind the reception counter pokes her head out the door,

_ “Christopher Bang? You’re ready to come back” _

Chan gets up from the hard leather chair, straightening his shirt as he walks to the door,

The nurse smiles at him and he returns a small polite one. _ “It’s the door at the end of the hallway” _

He advances towards the wooden door, nerves on end. _ Dr Patricia Lang _

_ ‘I’ve always hated doctors.’ _

He knocks twice, not sure whether to just enter or not, a quiet _ “come in” _from the other side of the door.

//

_ “When did this start Christopher? The dreams I mean.” _

He stared at the digital clock on the desk, face blank in reply 

** _“About four months ago”_ **

The older woman across from him nodded

_ “Can you tell me what happens?” _

He gave a dry look, up until now refusing to give eye contact

** _“No”_ **

She smiles, eyes crinkling at the rebellious boy.

_ “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me” _

The annoyed look on his face softens a bit, he opens his mouth as if he’s going to speak, conflict flashing in his eyes as he closes it straight back. You can tell he's weighing his options mentally.

_ seek help or stay quiet, no one will believe you anyways, boy. _

He drums his fingers against his thighs, attempting to block out the voice in the back of his mind, whether it's his own voice or not is to be determined.

_ “We don’t have to talk about it today, if you aren’t comfortable. Tell me a little about your life. What do you do Day-to-day? What are your interests?” _

He frowns a little, he wants to tell someone. Anyone. But he can’t form the words. Something stops him every time.

** _“I.. I like music. Producing.”_ **

The blonde but greying woman nods, happy with anything he gives her.

_ “My husband loved playing the guitar” _

He looks at her finally, his emotions unreadable 

** _“My dad does too”_ **

She wrote down the things he mentioned, black ink scribbled onto the yellow pages of her legal pad. Taking notes of his topics and interests, evaluating his every word. 

Chan slowly relaxes into the armchair, becoming less defensive as time ticks by.

He talks more than he has in weeks

** _Presumed schizophrenia. _ **

** _Depressive_ **

** _Insomnia _ **

** _Sleep paralysis._ **

** _Anger outbursts (assumed from lack of sleep)_ **

** _Takes no form of antidepressant._ **

** _Very active in sports and school activities until recently._ **

** _Stopped playing due to fatigue and at the request of his swimming teacher, explained as being “There but not present”_ **

The hour had passed for his session, Chan felt somewhat relieved to get some things off his mind. Even if it wasn't what he wanted to talk about.

Putting his feelings aside he knew he needed this.

Anything to keep his parents worries away, they have enough stress as is.

** _//_ **

** _September 14th_ **

** _2016_ **

** _[4:26am]_ **

Chan sits at a small corner desk, littered with crumpled notebook paper and different anime figures, a rather large goku figure stands on top of one of two large speakers. His features are lit by the blue light from his laptop, _ Placebosample.mp3 _sits in the open tab. A worn leather back notebook wide open as his hand rests on its open page, pen loosely standing between his index and thumb, he fell asleep two hours ago, eyelashes resting on his cheeks and his lips in a natural puffy pout. The loopy handwriting stops mid-sentence, the ink of the pen staining the side of his hand, onto his wrist.

_ One visit left with Dr Lang before I leave for korea. _

_ Things are better _ , _ i think. _

_ Mom is less worried. _

_ The night terrors, dreams, are rare. _

_ The last one I had was a 8 months ag— _

Nothing but a scribbled line to continue where his flowing thoughts halted.

He stirred in his sleep, the ache in his back from the old desk chair waking him. Eyes shut tightly back as quick as they opened, aching as the yellow light from his lamp assaulted him.

** _“Agh fuck” _ **he groaned as he stood, back making less than healthy popping noises as he leaned side to side. He hobbled just far enough across his room to face plant the bed, scooting up the rest of the way to the pillows in a caterpillar-like motion. A disgruntled noise coming from the disheveled head under it as he settles into the soft mattress.

_ ‘I’ll finish it this weekend’ _

//

** _[7:30am]_ **

Morning comes sooner than he’d like, rays of golden sunlight streaming through the window beside his bed. One eye open and his face in a sleepy grimace, he rolls out of bed to do his morning routine. Or lack thereof. He shuffles towards his bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror, he noted to clean it later as he takes in his reflection. His curls flattened to one side of his head and the rest sticking out, rivaling einsteins iconic hair. 

He opted to wear a hat rather than to fight with the thick tangled mess. Brushing it would only make it worse.

After he rummaged through his drawers for a clean, presentable outfit, he hops through the living room on one foot, attempting to shove a vans sneaker on his other with a pop tart hanging from his lips, he realized when he zoned out in front of the fridge for 15 minutes he was going to be late for his therapy appointment.

The words _ ‘fuck fuck fuck fuck’ _ strung out of his morning pastry filled mouth. His mother quipping quietly from the couch, watching her oldest child move clumsily in front of her, coffee and book in her hands ‘ _ ‘Language, christopher’’ _

He kisses her on the cheek before darting out the door to the bus stop.

A less than brief wait at the public transportation station has him on edge, already annoyed at the seemingly backed up traffic. 

//

Dr Lang gave him a warm smile, Chan returning the favour at the familiar woman. He takes notice of how much she’s changed since their first session. Her hair is shorter, a salt and pepper grey filters her used to be blonde pin straight hair. More lines set in her face than there used to be.

_ “A little late today, aren’t we?” _

He huffs a little, rubbing his palms on his jeans,

** _“I overslept a bit”_ ** a sheepish look on his face.

Dr Lang nodded, amused by the young man.

_ “As this is our last session together before you leave.. I’d like to ask you a few things, Christopher” _

He cocked his head a bit at her sudden change of feeling, but he knew exactly what she was going to bring up.

** _“It’s been over seven months, Dr Lang. I don’t think I have to worry about it anymore”_ **

She shifted slightly, crossing her legs.

_ “Christopher as much progression as you’ve made, I’m just afraid they might come back once you stop coming here” _

Her eyes look genuine, eyebrows furrowed.

Chan looks at the floor, the carpet less guilt inducing than the woman across from him

** _“I’ve thought the same thing.. but I have to do this. I don’t need the medication anymore regardless, and I’ll be seeing a therapist there as soon as I’m able.”_ **

The older woman sighed, his stubbornness never fading over the years.

** _“If they do come back you’ll be the first person I call” _ ** he gives her a soft smile, dimples poking at his cheeks.

Opting to change the subject briefly, she takes the thick file shes gathered on the young man and flips to one of their earlier sessions from that year,

_ “Can you retell me the dream you had about 8 months ago?” _

Chans eyes whip up at the mention of this, surprised she would bring it up out of nowhere.

He nods wearily, sighing a deep breath, readying himself.

** _“Okay”_ **

** _///_ **

** _January 7th_ **

** _2016_ **

** _[11:26pm]_ **

Chan is sprinting, barefooted on wet grass, trees passing by in blurs.

_ Go go go go go _

Dogs barking a snarling behind him, closer and closer it seems. Snapping at his clothes and skin.

He trips over his feet, feeling the wind whip his cheeks as he falls through the ground and is suddenly in his childhood homes living room. Blood coats the walls. His gored looking family members scatter the floor. The bloody writing on the wall looks as if a B horror movie director created a set.

** _WELCOME HOME, CHRISTOPHER._ **

He scrambles from the floor, charging the door to escape.

_ I’ve done this too many times to be afraid. _

He breaks through the thin wood door with his shoulder, already knowing the door knob wouldn’t open it. He rolls as he hits the ground, getting back to his feet in seconds and running again.

A clamoring voice in his ears,

** _DON'T RUN FROM US._ **

** _DON’T LEAVE US._ **

Distorted screaming wails from every direction he covers his ears as he runs, knowing it’s tricks all too well now. 

** _DON’T LEAVE US._ **

The red-orange hue in clouds giving everything in the copy of his neighborhood a sick, cheesy horror image. That’s what all of this felt like now. 

_ A sick joke. _

He slows his running, his bare feet stinging from the concrete.

He halts, turning back to face what he’s feared for years now. 

The very thing that's plagued his dreams,

** _“ENOUGH!”_ **

The veins in his neck pulse as the anger bubbles under his skin.

His chest heaves as his blood pressure rises

** _“I SAID ENOUGH, GODDAMNIT!”_ **

The whites of his eyes showing as his pupils shrink to pins, focusing on the form that melts and reforms into familiar faces.

He was shaking with confusion and rage at the thing in front of him. His breath leveling as he stared at it approaching him, slower than the hurdling motion it was following his running form with. 

“** _Stop..please for the love god.. Stop”_ **

His shoulders shake as he speaks, defeat evident in his voice compared to rage that spilled from him moments ago.

The…_ creature. _ Or how ever you can explain it morphed into a final figure, the rippling and twisting of _ ‘skin _ ’ halts. It mirrored him. The skin turned a sick pale white, his hair stringier and a paler shade of brown, almost murky green, on the creature, everything was him. Just _ drained. _Everything but the eyes. A milky white. Like pools of fog churning where the eyes should be.

He raised his arm to wipe his face, body exasperated. It copied his movements.

** _“What are you? Why won’t you leave me? Why me? Of all people?”_ **

He isn’t scared at this point, just in awe that all the times he’s ran from it, it hasn’t hurt him yet.

The creatures breathing fluctuates as heavy chokes of air and the sound of fluid filled lungs depressing.

It speaks but its mouth never moves.

** _We go by many names_ **

Its voice disembodied as it speaks, as if it speaks into his head rather from its form.

** _“Why me?” _ **Chan stares at it, in what he presumes is it’s eyes, the hair on the back of his neck standing when he makes ‘eye contact’

** _You are not weak, Christopher._ **

** _We need you._ **

** _We feed from you._ **

It draws in a snarling breath.

** _Your people call us, Incubus. Or depending on the region, Baku, Alp, Mara._ **

Chan recognizes the word ‘Incubus’,

** _“Aren’t you a.. sex demon, or something?”_ **

It chortles at his question, the warbled noises layering behind the voice makes the inside of his ears burn.

** _We do many, many things depending on the host. We feed on your fears rather your desire, dear boy. We thrive off of it. We thrive off you._ **

Chan attempts to understand its words, though his anger only pours through..

** _“I don’t want you, whatever you want to call yourself”_ **

He seethes through clenched teeth

** _“I don’t want any of this”_ **

The creature sways in place, its form twisting into something different, yet familiar. He steps back as he takes it in the person it's never used in his dreams. _ Dr Lang. _

** _Let’s make a deal, Christopher _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spicy spicy demon times


	4. Night Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fog filled eyes simply stare back, completely silent. 
> 
> Chan just nods, a disgusted look on his face.  
“ Of course not. Just get this over with already”  
It’s form morphed into someone familiar to chan, but he just couldn’t tell who.  
The kiss was harsh, and bitter tasting. Contrary to the sweet vanilla smell emitting from the creature.  
'We did this to you, Christopher.. for a reason. One you won’t understand.'  
It sighed, a wet rattle in its lung following the breath.  
'Not at this moment, at least.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY BIG TW!! there's some NSFW in this chap, along with mention of self harm and attempted s*icide early in this chapter. pls read with caution if these topics could be harmful to you <3 in the next few chapters (that i have to start writing fkvdkvbs) itll mainly be a look into chans life after he moved, how he met the boys and his s/o, before the hallucinations started again. also pls bear w my random typos, i havent wrote in a v long time and im trying to edit as i go along adfksdf

** _“YOU CAN'T LEAVE US AGAIN CHRISTOPHER”_ **

He fell back at its rushing figure, rough vocals booming into his ears.

** _“YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT”_ **

Chan turned to his side, curling into a fetal position, his arms covered his head. 

His voice is weak, desperate.

** _“not again not again not again make it go away”_ **

Memories and unfamiliar images flash through his mind of Dr Lang. 

** _“I don't know what you want please please please go away”_ **

Small sobs racking through his body,  _ he’s broken. _

** _“I thought this was over” _ **

The tears keep coming, he feels like he could flood the city with his sorrow.

The creature looked over his weak body, a small hesitation of empathy crossing the twisted features of its  _ ‘face’  _ but it fades quicker than it appeared.

**We’ll never leave you, dearest boy.**

**///**

** _Let’s make a deal, Christopher _ **

He squinted at the  _ beast. _

** _“What does that even mean?”_ **

It’s wet (moist even) breathing comes closer to his ear without it making a movement, honey sweet vocals twisting together to make a voice that makes his stomach churn.

**We will make a… ** ** _compromise. _ ** **With you.**

**We will erase all memory of your other experiences, the harm, the pain, everything but the dreams, but we will still be apart you, Christopher. We will feed off of you in other ways. The only memory you’ll have left is of this is as if it were ** ** _just _ ** **bad dreams.**

**Nothing more, nothing less.**

**You will still be our host.**

Chan tilted his head at the creature,

A mocking snort comes from him,

** _“That’s completely unexpected”_ **

Staring at the cracked pavement under his feet, not understanding totally what it meant by ‘ _ other ways’.  _

Annoyance clear in his tone as he finally answers, averting his eyes to the red-orange clouds that twist unnaturally above him

** _“you’ve had other options all along but you’ve chose to torture me” _ **

It chuckled, well,  _ wheezed. _

** _It’s no fun taking the easy route, dear boy._ **

Chan scoffed, not wanting to believe any of this was real. Still thinking, or at least wanting to believe, partially this is just a sick lucid dream.

He shakes his head and sighs

** _“What do you mean by ‘other ways’? It sounds like a sick Ponzi scheme”_ **

Its form moved closer to him, wrapping its ‘hand’ around his throat, not squeezing but posing the threat of it. Its voice dripping with anger.

**If you want free, you little fool, I would take the offer, or we can eat at you until you’re nothing but a ** ** _weak husk_ ** ** of your former self. Rotting what’s left of your mental state, clawing your skin off inch by little ** ** _inch._ **

Chan shuddered lightly, his heart beating against his chest. He weighed his options briefly, feeling its  _ hand _ squeeze against his throat as the seconds go by. 

** _“Okay” _ ** he breathed out

** _“Okay, I’ll do it”_ **

He shuddered as its face, familiar but rotted scanned over him for any trace of decievement.

**Good boy **

It retracted it’s wet looking limb from his neck,

**Seal it with a kiss, won’t you?**

He grimaced, the form of his therapist not really his ideal type of make out partner

**Oh? You don’t like me this way? What about the pretty girl from your poetry class? the one with the ** ** _soft brown curls?_ ** ** Or maybe that boy you’ve had your eye on from the corner store- you know, the one with the ‘** ** _ocean blue eyes’._ **

Its form twisting to the spoken person each time it offered a name.

Chan was taken aback

** _“How do.. how do you know about them?”_ **

The creature sighed

**We know you better than you do, sweet boy. We are ** ** _apart _ ** **of you.**

Its voice seeming reflective on something, almost  _ caring.  _

**Whether you like it or not, Christopher, we take care of you.**

Chan looked at it in disbelief 

** _“You’ve been torturing me for years! What sort of fucked up protection is that?!”_ **

It’s voice snapped at him, cutting his questions short,

**Just how many times have you miraculously ** ** _recovered_ ** ** from injuries? ** ** _Yes? Every time you’ve tried to end your own life? _ ** **You are our ** ** _host_ ** **. We have to keep you healthy. When you are hurt ** ** _we _ ** **are hurt.**

Chans eyes are wide, his face in a deep snarl.

** _“I don’t believe this”_ **

The look of disbelief mixed with pure rage cling to his features.

** _“Why the dreams, then? Huh?”_ **

A hand raked back his sweat dampened curls

** _“If you can just, I don’t know, Feed off my life force, my soul- whatever the fuck it is you do.. why the dreams? I’ve felt like I’ve been losing my goddamn mind for the last FOUR years, I’ve lost so much of my life to this. I’ve lost my FRIENDS!. Any shot at a life I could’ve had, all of these years. Wasted..”_ **

His voice breaks with the last word.

He feels his eyes start to sting, a lump in his throat.

** _“I’ve hurt myself repeatedly, just to feel something other than this.. this fear. The pain of this overwhelmed anything I could do to myself.”_ **

He felt the tears fall down his cheeks, using the back of his hands to wipe them away quickly.

** _“You say that you ‘take care of me’ what a load of shit. Taking care of me isn’t eating away at my mental health, waiting for me finally snap, huh? Taking CARE of me isn’t making me think that I’m going insane.. Taking care of me, isn’t standing by and being the very cause of me slitting my wrists open night by night. Hoping just this one time that it wouldn’t close right back up”_ **

The creature looks at him, looking slightly taken aback by his outburst. 

** _“Taking care of me would’ve been letting me die three years ago”_ **

It just stares at him, speechless for once.

** _“Nothing to say?”_ **

The fog filled eyes simply stare back, completely silent. 

Chan just nods, a disgusted look on his face.

** _“ Of course not. Just get this over with already”_ **

It’s form morphed into someone familiar to chan, but he just couldn’t tell  _ who. _

The kiss was harsh, and bitter tasting. Contrary to the sweet vanilla smell emitting from the creature.

**We did this to you, Christopher.. for a reason. One you won’t understand.**

It sighed, a wet rattle in its lung following the breath.

**Not at this moment, at least.**

**We’ll leave you, for now.**

**“** ** _For now? What do you mean?”_ **

It brushed its fingers through his hair, trailing its hand from his face to his chest, resting the palm against his heart.

** _You’ll see._ **

A firm push backwards sends him falling back through the ground.

** _///_ **

** _January 8th_ **

** _2016_ **

** _[2:19AM] _ **

Chan woke up in a cold sweat, chest heaving as he sat up. 

_ What was that? _

He grasped his chest, palm pressing against his heart as it beats against his skin. A red, hot to the touch splotch sits on his pale skin.

_ That was so fucking weird. _

He tried to shake off the feeling of anxiety the strange dream gave him, gathering himself before lying back down. An arm propped behind his head and he stares at the faint glowing green stars on his ceiling. A weird sensation still tingling on the spot on his chest where he had been touched by the thing in his dream.

_ Way too realistic. _

Little to chans knowledge, the  _ demon  _ or whatever you want to call it, fed on all of his emotions and physical sensations. Touch, pain, pleasure, anger, fear, joy, sadness. 

All he knew now was that was one,  _ very _ fucked up dream.

And he hopes to never have one like it again.

He cant help but to linger on the strange demons words, feeling as if he made an actual contract on his life and not just an interaction in a dream.

_ Im overthinking this.. _

//

** _August 10th_ **

** _2018_ **

** _[12:52am]_ **

A late night on the weekend he has off has him feeling  _ hungrier _ than usual.

Soft hands wander over his body, plumps lips swollen red as the watermelon soju mixers linger on his tongue.

Fingers pulling his curly locks, his eyes roll back.

He’s already stripped him and the panting figure in front of him of their shirts, they nip at the veins across his neck, leaving butterfly kisses down his shoulders.

** _Doesn’t it feel so good, Channie _ **

He gasped, half out of pleasure and half out of shock. 

** _“What did you say?”_ **

They looked up at him with dazed over eyes.

_ “I didn’t say anything” _

He shook it off, deciding to get his fun out while he’s still in the mood.

Minutes pass as they progress through his small apartment.

They’re tangled together on soft sheets before they know it, his body leaning over theirs. A soft whine coming from the blushing person under him  _ “channie, hurry”  _ He leans off the bed for a moment to rummage through his nightstand as he moves back to them, the wrapper hanging loosely from his lips. He didn’t see the face he expected when turning back, meeting a lifeless one instead, glassy, swirled milk coloured eyes. 

** _“Ah! What the fuck!?” _ ** He fell backwards off the bed, landing back-first on a pair of gym shoes.

a pained groan following shortly after.

_ “Well that was rude” _

He picked himself up, head barely peeking up from the end of the bed.

Seeing the dishevelled and red cheeked individual, clinging the bed sheets to their body.

** _“..oh”_ **

They laughed at his shocked face

_ “I don’t look that bad, do I? If I do it’s your fault y’know” _

He rubbed his face as he stood

** _“N-no no you.. you look amazing”_ **

He smirked at them, dimple poking at his cheek as he observes their still flustered state

** _“I just spooked myself is all”_ **

They swung their legs off of the bed, padding over to the embarrassed man, and wrapped their arms around his neck, kissing him softly and then patting his firm chest

_ “You don’t look too bad yourself” _

He felt 100% sober after his stunt off the bed, and like clockwork his phone rung. He glared at the flashing screen simply titled  _ ‘work’ _

he answered with a huff

** _“Hello?”_ **

_ Chan I need you to run a call for me, to Busan. _

He sighed, moving to put back on his pants.

** _“Send me the address”_ **

_ Good, take seo with you.  _

** _“Alright alright will do”_ **

_ ‘If only mom knew the things i’ve gotten myself into here’ _

The beep from the other line signified the end of the call, and the annoyed look on chans face only deepened. He looked at the now hoodie clad individual lying on his bed, playing  _ panda pop _ on their phone.  ** _“I have to go” _ ** he said it with a grumpy look, not wanting to leave his apartment.

He shuffled backwards, landing on his back exasperatedly, the laughing figure beside him petting his tangled curls

_ “Whelp”  _ they smiled at him  _ “we can pick up where we left off when you get back” _

He chuckled, taking their hand off his head and kissing the palm and each finger tip before heaving himself back up.

** _“I’ll definitely take you up on that offer”_ **

Giving signature wink and a kiss on the cheek before he moves to dress himself once again, shuffling his belongings into his pockets and shoving his shoes on. before he left the cozy apartment he heard a quiet  _ “hey”  _ from the bedroom doorway. Turning around quickly he smiled at the sleepy eyed person.  _ “love you” _

** _“Love you too. go to bed baby, I’ll be home in the morning” _ **

A quick peck to their forehead and he was out the door.

They’ve long accepted that asking questions about his work is useless because he’d just give vague answers. 

//

_ ‘Pick up the fucking phone, bin’ _

Three missed calls to changbin later, the annoyed sheep haired boy sighed and dialed  _ ‘chipmunk’  _

pushing his hair back as he adjusts his beanie

the song  _ ‘All Eyez On Me’  _ plays as he waits for Jisung to answer. 

_ Yo? _

** _“How is it that you answer on the first few rings but changbin can’t be assed to answer one of three calls from me?”_ **

_ Aww trouble with your hubby? _

** _“Jisung i swear to god”_ **

A hearty laugh from the other end of line causes chan to smile a bit, clearly seeing jisungs happy heart shaped smile even over the phone

** _“Anyways, i need you to run a call with me since bin won’t pick up”_ **

_ Sangchul still doesn't trust you alone? It's been months since your little accident. _

Chan snorted 

** _“Little accident”_ **

He could hear jisung shuffling on the other end, Probably throwing things into his backpack.

_ Send me the details, i’ll meet you there. _

** _“alright, be careful”_ **

_ You too, bro _

_ // _

** _August 10th_ **

** _2018_ **

** _[2:45am]_ **

Chan is sprinting out of a building, a heavy stuffed duffel swung across his body

_ GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKS!  _

A very large, very bald man is running after them.

Jisungs laughter becoming louder as he catches up to the marathoning silver haired boy,

_ “Left! Go left!”  _ chan turns quickly as the younger boy said,

** _“Don’t get us lost, idiot!” _ ** he says as his lungs burn in the humid night air

_ “Will you PLEASE shut up! You’re making us sound really unprofessional right now!” _

Chans laugh filters the sticky air, his phone vibrating in the pocket of his dark denim, nearly causing him to trip while answering,

** _“Yes sir?” _ ** chan and jisung are still hell bent on losing the buff, angry man behind them.

_ Did you get my money? _

Chan laughs a little cocking his head a bit as they still book it through alley ways.

** _“Working on it as we speak”_ **

_ I need you to drop it off tonight, no questions. _

** _“Yes sir, we’ll head that way as soon as possible” _ ** breathless but legible. 

_ Good. _

The beep signaling him to stick his phone back into his pocket 

_ WHERE DID YOU GO?! BRING BACK MY MONEY, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! _

_ “Okay here here here” _

Jisung swinging open an alleyway gate and snatching chan by the fabric of his shirt and dragging him in,  _ “go you slow ass!”  _ jisung said in yell-whisper 

They end up on the road opposite from where they were and headed straight towards chans car, spinning wheels quickly speed them out of the city limits.

** _“We just ran 8 miles” _ ** chan laughed as they speed down a back road

Jisungs eyebrows raised a bit

_ “Really? Felt like a walk in the park to me” _

He patted his jelly feeling legs 

_ “Yep”  _ he winced _ “park” _

Chans phone dinged, signaling a new text

_ Tiny Idiot: u good? _

_ Tiny Idiot: chan why did u call _

_ Tiny Idiot: chan? _

_ Tiny Idiot: hope ur not dead bro x _

  
  


//

The drive felt like forever, chans tired eyes zoned on the road as jisung fell asleep in the passenger seat. He looked down briefly to grab the bottle of water beside him, when his eyes met the dark road again, a body of a woman laid on its side in his lane. He stomped the brakes as quickly as he could, jisung waking in the process  _ “what’s happening?! Chan what the fu-”  _ chan clamped jisungs mouth with his hand  ** _“be quiet and get out of the car. Now” _ **

They both exited the vehicle, chan stepping quietly to the front of the car.

_ “What are you doing chan? There’s nothing out here” _

Chan couldn’t explain it without feeling crazy so he just mumbled ‘ _ i thought someone hit a dog’  _ and moved to get back in the car. Jisung grabbed his wrist before he could open the driver door

_ “I should drive for awhile, you look rough”  _ worry more than prominent in jisungs voice, his eyes scanning over chans face. 

Chan just nodded and got in the passenger seat, avoiding looking at his friend and staying quiet for the rest of the drive.

//

** _August 10th_ **

** _2018_ **

** _[6:13am]_ **

After they dropped off the money, jisung drove chan back to his apartment, telling the tired boy that he would bring his car back later. Chan just gave short responses and nods.

_ “Try and get some sleep” _

** _“You too”_ **

_ “Chan, _ ** _”_ **

He turned to look at his younger friend, already knowing jisung could tell something was up.

_ If he only knew. _

_ “Are you alright?” _

Chan hesitated before nodding, rubbing his eyes before speaking

** _“Yeah. I’m fine, don’t worry. Just tired. Now get home before I take you myself”_ **

Jisung huffed, realizing getting chan to talk about his troubles is losing battle.

_ “Just take care of yourself, man. Call if you need anything ill be right over.” _

** _//_ **

He stripped from his dirty and somewhat blood stained clothes, sticking his now a few bullets empty gun back into its spot on a rack in the closet. he shuffled into a clean pair of shorts after a quick shower, trying to softly lay down in the bed next to the warm body wrapped in a fuzzy comforter. Just their presence easing his racing mind. He gently stroked their cheek with his thumb before letting his damp, barely towel dried curls hit the pillow, a sigh leaving his plump lips.

Comforted at the thought of having one, constant and normal thing to come home to.

_ ‘What even happened out there’ _

He rubbed his tired eyes, watching the morning sun flood through in thin ribbons through the curtain. 

** _“Things have been.. too off lately”_ **

He mumbled to himself.

Shaking off his thoughts, He sighed and wrapped his arms around sleeping figure, hugging them to his chest. Kissing the top of their head as he feels them turn and snuggle further into him, deciding to leave his worries for later.

_ // _

**We’ll never leave you, dearest boy**

Chan was afraid and confused, he scoots himself against the wall, fighting the tendrils that attempt to grip at his legs, squeezing his eyes shut and praying to any higher power he can think of just make it all  _ stop. _

** _“Go away, Please!”_ **

It curled its blood drenched tendrils around his legs

**If we didn’t already know of this situation we might feel a little ** ** _hurt,_ ** ** christopher.**

**We’re not going to hurt you though, lovely boy.**

The disfigured form hovers over him, a snarling noise emits from the wet looking flesh

**We just wanted a little ** ** _Fun._ **

Its voice bored, but intrigued.

**We’ve been so ** ** _bored_ ** **, without you ** ** _‘channie’._ **

It’s voice mimicking his s/o at the mention of the nickname.

**That little friend you live with can only keep us satisfied for so long. Give us something..**

It breathed deeply, a wet rattling wheeze.

** _Tasty._ **

He finally opens his eyes, ready to meet face to face with the monster, but the stairway is empty once again. Chan presses his back flat against the wall, letting out a shaky breath. 

_ I’m fucking losing it.. I’m losing my mind. _

He looks towards the tracks, people filing out of the stationary subway car as other wait to get in. 

_ There’s probably 15-20 people here.. god what’s happening to me.. _

His hands rubbed at his face, trying to get a grip on reality and his surroundings. 

_ Maybe I should call Dr Lang.. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARE U EXCITED FOR DRUG RUNS BC I AM. i hope yall look forward to seeing chan happy for once in this fic lol also spicy s/o times !!! i dont know how to gracefully write what kind of s/o he would have so im just sticking to gender neutral, i dont want this to be a reader insert just story driven skjbhjbv u can imagine it as urself or whtvr thats cool too.

**Author's Note:**

> This is OLD and I’m looking forward to continuing this when I have time. I’ll post the other chapters soon


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